Why There Will Never Be A Straight Pride Day

The city of San Francisco had a fabulous weekend of marches and parades. There was the transexual march on Saturday along with the Dykes on Bikes drive from Dolores Park and of course the Gay Pride Parade. The city this weekend was FAB-U-LOUS! This brought a thought to my mind. Why is there no Straight Pride Parade?

Several years ago on a mailing list of people I went to high school with there a couple of somewhat homophobic people who protested that homosexuals shouldn’t have a day to celebrate. This was hit with a gay friend of mine saying that heteros get to celebrate every day. Hmmmm, not exactly was my first thought. about the only way heteros get to celebrate is by the guys going to a strip club and dropping money on girls who take their clothes off and simulate girl on girl activities, oh wait that’s straight guys watching mock lesbians. Wait, we see that at the gay pride events every year, it’s just that the guys aren’t paying.

Well, the  straight guys could all collect themselves on a float with their penii hanging out pointing at them and screaming, for women only! but you have to admit a bunch of guys standing together on a float with their penii hanging out looks a little, well, gay. Women could collect half naked on a float writhing around at which point the guys would be screaming once again for girl/girl action which of course would put them in the lesbian category.

The whole pride thing started out to celebrate the fact that there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual, then the bisexuals were added in, then the transgenders hopped aboard which some of them while being once male or female have switched sex might now be attracted to the opposite of their new sexual orientation making them technically straight, or if they are attracted to the same as their new sex would make them gay, but since they were once the opposite sex makes them kind of straight, so…did I loose anyone here?

Pride day, which has turned into pride month pretty much celebrates an act against normalcy. Normalcy is something you can’t celebrate because it’s, well, kind of boring. We don’t even have a good line we could chant in a parade. We’re here we’re straight we pay our bills, uhm, you know we’re normal doesn’t go over too well. Celebrations need a bit of antinomianism to them to be fun. You’ve got to do something a bit naughty to enjoy yourself. Normal people aren’t very naughty. Our former Governor cheats on his wife and has a love child BOR-ING. That is so 10 minutes ago it’s not even in the local papers anymore. The only way a politician can get more publicity is by soliciting a homosexual encounter in an airport bathroom or by sexting pictures of what might be his engorged penis to underaged girls [that’s straight, but wrong right?]

I did a search this morning for straight pride and was surprised by what it turned up. Most of the small group of people who celebrate straight pride do so by speaking out that homosexuality is an abomination of nature. OK, so if everyone was heterosexual you’d have nothing to speak up about. Well, that’s a definite party buzz kill. I couldn’t find anything that these groups could put a finger on to give them something to celebrate for being straight.

So with that being said, I wish all my non-breeder, non-Mormon, non-no sex having people my hopes that you had a wonderful weekend. Now I’m off to iTunes to gift I kissed a girl by Katy Perry to Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney. Be Fab-U-Lous everyone.



You know you’re a San Franciscan when…

I just read one of the funniest articles that is even too San Franciscan for me. It was an article on “alternatives to the Super Bowl”. They suggested you take your kids down to the San Jose Museum of  Quilts and Textiles to learn about Mayan embroidery.

WTF?!?!? You’re suggesting that you should turn your back on the most American institutional homoerotic wargame that we know as the Super Bowl where you eat tons of fatty food, drink lots of alcohol and bet on which one of your friends will be the first to puke on your floor for learning about…textiles?

As you can tell, I’m not exactly down with football. Usually because the fans are mostly overweight now along with the athletes who the coaches push to put on pounds to keep the opposing side from “penetrating their end zone”, but textiles? At least I’m relieved that this over the top “San Franciscan” idea is taking place outside of San Francisco.

I guess I should blame my college broadcasting semiotics teacher who teamed up with folklorist Alan Dundes who did an analysis of the sport. He made it sound really, well, homosexual [I’d use the term gay, but being straight would be considered an insult.] When Alan talked about the terminology of players who’s title was the “tight end” and “wide receiver” c’mon you gotta wonder don’t you?

Now I’m not a total football hater. I played a lot of football as a kid, but then again, I played football, not watched it. As a kid I’d be off at the local playground playing baseball or basketball and come back and find the local kids playing football across our scattered lawns and join in, but when I’d come inside and my Dad was watching a baseball game and I didn’t want to sit there and watch I “wasn’t into sports”.

Go figure, I suppose I didn’t like watching a bunch of hunks dressed in body enhancing armor trying to penetrate each others end zone.