There is a family of superheros lurking in the Sunset district and they are my family. I discovered our superhuman powers today on a trip to IKEA. Normally we don’t have much of a problem with IKEA, but the following story will introduce you to our superhuman ways which hopefully only occur outside of San Francisco. Allow me to introduce you.
I am Gravitron! A man of seemingly normal size, yet he has an internal mass of that close to Jupiter. As we were walking around IKEA I noticed people were bumping into me so I stopped walking due to irritation and the need to punch something preferable human that wouldn’t land me in a jail cell. Straight ahead, family of four, walking a straight line and yet as they got closer and closer their straight line trajectory started to veer off, pulled by the gravitation forces Gravitron exudes. I even cleared my throat to make this a near impact event yet Fi! Tis not! They walked right into me. I attracted in excess of 10 tractor beam like collisions with double that in near misses.
Now it is time to meet my wife, The Invisible Woman. She has the power to walk next to you and as you are talking to her when you turn your head your sentence ends with, “where the hell is she?!” She is obviously immune to the pull of Gravitron, but that is to be expected after being married for 14 years. She at least is lucky enough to not be sucking IKEA patrons in to herself like Gravitron, but this also makes Gravitron have to conduct all business transactions because she gets ignored by their dreaded nemesis, Check out Boy who can’t see her until Gravitron throws off the IKEA customers stuck to him at Check out Boy to get his attention.
Ahh, and then there is the sweetest of the family, their daughter, White Dwarf. She who is small in stature, yet at 3.5 years old is like pushing Jabba the Hut in a wheelchair. Luckily she has not folded in on herself to become Black Hole, which, let’s face it would be a creepy superhero name. She is not fat, barely reaching 40lbs, but she has the innate ability to make herself heavier in her vehicle of transport called, “The Stroller” by pushing her feet against the wheel that you will break a sweat within 20 ft of pushing her. Lucky for us, her kryptonite is french fries which weakens her strength.
So now I know why families get a little stressed by group outings. Always remember in the words of Gravitron while shopping in stores, “Walk! Don’t Block!”